Apocalypse When?

Amazingly, this image is not an ad for upcoming film directed by Michael Bay or produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, it's a fancy flyer I recently received in the mail last week. I should have tossed it days ago but it keeps hanging around on my desk, entertaining the hell out of me ... so I'm sharing.

The large colorful pamphlet invited me - or whoever lived at my address - to attend a three-day seminar focused on the End Times. I thought about going but that would require fancier drugs than I have at my disposal and at least one inside partner willing to come along and keep me from being kicked out.

So, here was the agenda:

1st Dynamic Night: What Does the Future Hold?
"Come and be amazed as you see how God outlined the world's history in one incredible dream! Discover the dramatic climax of human history ... all on opening night!"

Wait ... dreams? Climax? Damn. This sounds HOT.

2nd Dynamic Night: Revelation's Rapture: What to Expect?
"Are we in the last days? What does the Bible say will happen next? When and how will Jesus come? Night 2 will answer all these questions!"

So, they revealed when Jesus is coming? Hmmmm, I didn't see any resulting headlines ... and I'm pretty sure Steve Jobs would have let us know ...

Here's my favorite ...

3rd Dynamic Night: Anti-Christ Exposed!
"Is the Anti-Christ alive today? If so then (sic) who is it? You will be shocked at the answer!"

Too late guys, I've got this one covered.

But my main question in all this "Surviving the Terror!" propaganda is, for the love of God (literally), who is their graphics person???? Do they even have one? If so, they are not helping. In fact, they might be a spy from The Onion staff. Exhibit A:

This is the image chosen to represent the idea that "killer nations (are) coming": a seven-headed red dragon ridden by a some Medieval party chick wearing a purple satin dress and a mullet? Hmmmm, is this supposed to invoke Iran? Scotland? Canada? New Jersey? ComicCon? I don't get it.

Then there's the calm assurance that all types of folks are welcome.

Hey, lookie! You can be black! Or white! Or Asian! Or Latino! You can even come in your overalls! Or without your spouse!

It was put on by Bible Prophecy Seminars and they've threatened to stage more of these events with exciting topics like:

How to Achieve Success
The Antichrist and 666
Left Behind and the Rapture
The Mark of the Best
American in Prophecy
Armageddon and the Seven Last Plagues

Please note that the secret to getting rich is listed right next to Satan.

I'm not sure why I'm so entertained by this flyer. Maybe because it never would have made its way to my San Francisco mailbox. Or maybe it's because I forget stuff like this is fairly normal in some parts of the U.S. Mostly, I think it's the layout and language of the flyer itself and how it smacks of desperation and fear, which is why the mullet girl is drinking, I guess.

Don't get me wrong, I definitely think the world is going to end, I just don't think it will come with the high production value that this crowd is hoping for. They want a summer blockbuster but I think it's going to be like a sad, little independent film with an angsty soundtrack. I think God might need to hire Bruckheimer or his Final Act might be a quiet letdown.