Monday, February 04, 2008

‘Twas the Night Before Super Tuesday

It's all snowy and cozy outside on this historic eve so I was inspired to craft this homespun tale out of an old classic. Enjoy! ~ClizBiz

'Twas the night before Super Tuesday, when all through the House

Not a creature was stirring, not even John Murtha;

The banners were hung by the podiums with care,

In hopes that victory soon would be theirs;

The pundits were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of surprise upsets danced in their heads;

With the wife playing Wii and I penning a post,

We were just happy that George Bush was toast,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my blog to see what was the matter.

I shut down Windows and flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and aggravated my rash.

The moon on the breast of the Colorado snow

Allowed me to see the objects below,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a campaign bus, and eight candidates … here!

With a wicked old driver, so grumpy and sick,

I knew in a moment it must be Vice Dick.

He breathed out real fire as he spoke in tongued flames,

And sputtered, and spewed, and called them by name;

"Curse, Hillary! curse, Obama! curse, Kucinich and his Vixen!

On, Ford! on Reagan! on, especially Dick Nixon!

From the hippie enclaves to the liberal coasts !

I demand to be rid of you fact-loving boasts!"

Dick fired up the road boat with alarming tenacity,

bent on slaughtering each and every veracity,

Screeching through the cul-de-sac the whole gang flew,

With a bus full of press corps and Vice Dick too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of both of Dick’s hooves.

As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,

Down the chimney Dick came with a bound.

He was dressed all in camo, from his head to his toe,

No orange vest to justify it just so;

A hunting rifle he had flung on his back,

He looked like Howard Stern ogling a rack.

His eyes -- how they burned! his dimples how scary!

His cheeks were pastrami, his nose - a popped cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a cross bow,

And the drool on his chin was a clue I should go;

Eight years of evil had taken its toll,

But he couldn’t stop now – Dick was on a roll;

He had a bald head and a famous round belly,

That rarely shook like a bowlful of jelly.

He was angry and bitter, a deranged old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

A bloodshot left eye and a twist of his head,

Soon let me to know I had nothing to dread;

He dropped to the floor without much of a fuss

I called 9-1-1 and said, “Come git this old cuss.”

Then, his middle finger lay aside of his nose,

One snarky nod and onto the gurney he rose;

“Back to the bunker!”
he called out and then gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, as they drove out of sight,

"Happy Super Tuesday to all, and but mostly ‘Go fuck yourselves!"


SusanV said...

Inspired, hilarious, but also rather frightening. The last thing I want is Vice Dick in my chimney!

Mark Dowdy said...

Fucking brilliant, Heather!

Course you know, if he did take aim at you, you'd have to worry about your cat, and vice versa.

And did you hear about the Colorado man who apparently shoved Cheney last week?

Mrs.X said...

Oh my God, this is hysterical!

ClizBiz said...

SusanV: Ewww! When you put it that way ... scary, indeed!

Dowdy: I had not heard about the Cheney shoving. Doesn't surprise me. Voters here get physical.

Mr.s X: Glad you enjoyed it! I had fun bastardizing a much-loved classic in the spirit of the hour.

Howard said...

Haha! That was great!

Btw, we you out shoveling your sidewalk this morning?

ClizBiz said...

Howard: No way. That's what the men in the building are for. I've no shoveling muscles ... yet. Why? Are you offering your services?

Flea's Thoughts said...

I am looking forward to tonight!! I am going to watch even though politics on a whole bore me to death.

lauriewrites said...

You're the best.

ClizBiz said...

Flea: Me too!

Laurie: Back atcha, sister.

Fang Bastardson said...

pure poetry!

Howard said...

No, I saw someone who looked exactly like you shoveling snow the other morning. After I wrote this I finally remembered where you live and it was no where near where I thought I saw you. nevermind. :)

Kath said...

Brilliant Heather...truly brilliant!