Monday, December 10, 2007

Physically, I'm a Grown-Up but ...

So, I took my Little Sister, Velrene, out for her birthday on Friday. We went to Chuck E. Cheese and V could NOT BELIEVE that I had never been to one before. It was there I discovered several things about myself.

I have a filthy mouth: Also, my swearing policy around children needs to be updated. I'd figured that as long as I avoided uttering "fuck,", I'd be okay.

I hadn't realized that 'piss' - as in, 'Don't piss me off!' said jokingly - also qualifies. V's eyes got big and, while pointing straight at me, yelled: "You used a swear word!!!" Nearby adults glared at me as we stood in line.

I look weird:
Years ago, I was laying on the floor of an airport, reading and completely minding my own business. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw two young boys playing Nerf football. One of them came near to retrieve the ball and stopped cold when he saw me:

"Can I help you?"
I asked him.

"You look like that witch lady on TV," he said matter-of-factly. "Yeah, you look just like her. It's in the eyes." He took off before I could ask which show but I'm hoping it was something like "Charmed" and he merely noted my inner Shannon Doherty. (Why hadn't someone said this to me during the Bewitched years?)

Fast forward to Chuck E. Cheese on Friday. So, this itty bitty Latino kid kept staring at me and following me around. He had nothing to say but was clearly fascinated - perhaps it was my red hair, or my white skin (I was the only cracker in the joint) or my funky glasses. I couldn't tell if he was smitten, amused or disgusted. .

I'm Big(ger): Chuck E. Cheese has one of those long climbing tubes that cover the entire ceiling space. I announced to V that I was going to climb in that Kid Tube and experience it for myself. She warned me, "Um, I think you're too big" but I brushed her off, pointing to a sign that invited 'Mommies and Daddies' to take off their shoes, and join in the fun. Darn it, I'm still a kid at heart!

Yeah well, as soon as I got my fat ass up in the tube, I realized V was right. Technically, I fit in the tube, no problem, but maneuvering it, well, it was mighty cumbersome, to say the least. Also, there was the distinct smell of excrement; I immediately wanted out of the Tube of Poo.

Trouble was, kid traffic was backed up behind me and turning around was not an option. So, I scrambled around on my hard, old kneecaps and watched pint-size individuals walk past me. God, what a big fumbling moron. Then, I turned a corner and came face-to-face with my little Latino admirer.

He just stared at me with those big silent brown eyes. Since he wasn't talking, I took the opportunity to vent. "I know, I know, I look ridiculous," I said to him. He blinked, said nothing and kept staring.

"I don't know what I was thinking! I mean, what was I trying to prove anyway? That I was still a kid? Jesus! I'm not a kid! I'm a middle aged woman with a filthy mouth, hard kneecaps and a flimsy fiscal policy, at best. Yes, I have learned much about myself in the Tube of Poo, things I could not have learned otherwise." He blinked some more and then, I caught a slight smile and the distinct look of pity.

"Hey, I appreciate your attention, listening to me and all but can you help me get out of here? The big, dumb white lady has had enough self-discovery for today." Then, he silently led me safely to the spiral slide which brought back to the ground and reality.

V greeted me, "Well, how was it?"

"You're right. I'm too big."

"I told you but you wouldn't listen."

Note to self: Listen more, curse less.


Kath said...

I commend you for trying to traverse the Turdly Tube. You passed the 92IARC test.

What is that, you may ask?

When you are 92 years old and In A Rocking Chair, you can look back at this moment as one of satisfaction that you never said no to life and having fun and living in the moment.

Even if the moment did smell like shit at the time.


ClizBiz said...

Thanks for the encouragement, Kath! Let's hope we make it to 92.

susie said...

Chucky Cheese! That place terrifies me. The beer is not strong enough and I know of more than one adult who got pink eye while joining in the fun. I will not enter without hand sanitizer and a bong hit in the parking lot.

ClizBiz said...

Yeah, they don't sell beer in Colorado CEC's. I like the bong idea though.

Maria said...

Pink eye? That's the LEAST that could happen. There are much worse diseases lurking in that hole. My friend's sister got scabies from the ball pit. Hope your shots are up to date...

ClizBiz said...

Whoa. I had NO idea. Never again.

Heidi's heart said...

Heather, I'm so glad you have V. But I sure hope she moves beyond Chuck E. Cheese real soon. I always hated that place when Aaron was a kid. So loud!

hotdrwife said...

There's pink eye going around my kid's classroom. I figure I'm going to catch something from him, or holding onto the grocery cart handle. Damn disease. They just downright PISS me off!

McSchmoinkles said...

Crawling through a Poop Chute sounds like pure heaven!

Hope you took a log- I mean long shower and burned your clothes.

ClizBiz said...

Heidi: Don't worry, we're not going back. That was her one-time-only birthday treat.

HDW: Damn, woman. You and diseases - like moth to a flame. Just be happy you don't sleep around (anymore) ... Ha!

McSchmoinkles: Hmmmm ... burning my clothes? Where have I heard that suggestion before? ;-)