Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Knotted Up & Grown-Up

I woke up yesterday, on my 42nd birthday, with my stomach in knots. I even puked for good measure. The night before, I'd had a painful Numbers Crunching Session with Gins to see if I could possibly manage the monthly cost of a horse.

She was gentle but the numbers, not so much. Gradually, it started to dawn on me that Copper would not be mine. I cried a bit and searched my budget for fat.

"You already live pretty minimally," she said. "Already, you've got yourself living on $100 per month for groceries - that's insane."

"I like Ramen," I said. "And maybe my vegetarianism will kick in. That might help."

Such was the desperation of this session. (Gins also noted that my paltry $5 a month for toiletries "mocked" her own spendy habits in this category.)

Everyone says, "Go for it!" I love the passion behind this - who doesn't love a girl-and-her-horse story? Especially one with a happy ending? Trouble is, I'd be the only paying for it and financially, I won't be ready until 2009 - my original plan. As Gins said, "This is the not the end of a dream, it is only a delay."

Last stop: I talked it over with Beanie and we decided that I absolutely should not buy this horse. "I don't want to see something that otherwise brings you joy, become a burden," she said.

I felt a mixture of sadness and relief. The burden of a decision was over but it was not the one I wanted. "There will be plenty of other horses in your life," Beanie said.

"Do you promise?"

"I promise. Tons more."

I really wanted this to happen but I'm sorta proud that I tried so hard and worked it out as thoroughly as I could. This might be one they call an 'adult decision' and I am fairly unfamiliar with them.

Sigh. I guess this is what 42 feels like.


Kath said...

Oh Heather. I know how hard this was for you. Yeah, being an adult does mean having to make the tough decisions.

There will be other horse opportunities down the road. Good luck on reaching your goals.

hubs said...

I am not ashamed to say that I am a Horse Girl. You know the type- long hair (well, not that part), a faraway look, a Little House on the Prairie paperback sticking out of her coat pocket. Every Horse Girl has a variation of the same fantasy: while walking in the woods/field/neighborhood after being tormented by a sister/parent/bully, a beautiful but wild white/black/painted horse appears out of nowhere. Girl and horse stare at one another; girl beckons to horse with eyes/hand/mind; an understanding between creatures is established; horse kneels before girl/girl leaps onto horse; they ride off into the distance, leaving worldly problems behind. If you are also a Horse Girl (or possibly a whale/dolphin girl) you know just what I'm talking about. If not, well then I just feel sorry for you.


trillwing said...


(Very) good horses come to those who wait.

ClizBiz said...

Kath: Yeah, adulthood is full of - ick! - reality!

Hubs: Man, you got that right. I have dreams all the time where my horse and I are just hanging out in a field. Sometimes, we nap, sometimes we ride but most of all, we're just together.

Trillwing: Coming from a fellow horse girl, that means a lot.

Anonymous said...

$5 a month on toiletries!!??!!??!?! OMG. You shame me, Twinkles. Does that include toothpaste? How do you do that? You are are a light in my dark dark world of financial planning, especially when Gins almost fired me (but I'm not giving up - I remember how many times I tried to quit, well, let's just call them other "problem behaviours".... eh-hemmm, before I was sucessful) So, you are - once again - my inspiration. Much love and such in the new year, Muffin