Outtakes from The Chair

Earlier today, I got my teeth cleaned like a good dental patient. The last time I was in the Chair, I was sobbing and whimpering like a baby, getting a root canal. That sucked. Also, it wasn't that long ago I was getting deep root scalings, so I've come a long way.

And so, there were no major issues today. However, my dentist, who is the perfect mix of grumpy and concerned, retains some weird aesthetic standard for my mouth,, hence, this conversation, amidst the process:

Dentist: Your two front teeth are still bugging me. One is longer than the other.
Me: Gxrtiv?
Dentist: I wish you'd let me shave one down.
Me: Bipxir?
Dentist: What? (He exits my mouth.)
Me: You mention that every time I see you.
Dentist: So, obviously we have discussed it and you don't want to. (He goes back in.) That's fine. Really.
Silence.
Me: Mpoihre?
Dentist: What? (He exits my mouth.)
Me: I said how much does that cost?
Dentist: What do you mean how much does it cost??? It's FREE! Geez ... (He dives back in.)
Me: Mzkmek!
Dentist: Yes, I suppose it is a viable question but still .. (he reaches for an instrument.)
Me: Of course, it's a worthwhile question! Christ! Do you think I come here for the social banter?
Dentist: Why, yes. Yes, I do. (He goes back to work.) I mean, if you are going out into the world and telling everyone that you are my patient, I want your teeth to look as nice as they can, y'know?
Silence.
Dentist: Y'know?
Me: Smkvqefj?
Dentist: What? (He exits my mouth.)
Me: I said, does it hurt?
Dentist: Oh, for the love of Pete ... No! Of course it doesn't hurt! Geez!
Me: Again, a totally legitimate question here ...
Dentist: It. Does. Not. Hurt. I. Swear.
Me: I'm just picturing you tossing and turning at night, 'God, that uneven tooth on that one patient is KILLING me!'
Dentist: Exactly! I need peace of mind.
Me: Will it make me more attractive and irresistible to men and children?
Dentist: Yes.
Me: Will it make me a more effective carnivore?
Dentist: Absolutely.
Me: Will my life suddenly be filled with true love, fortune and fame?
Dentist: Totally.
Me: Oh, brother. (Pause.) Fine! Do it! Make it quick!
Dentist: Alriiiiiight!

Then, Dr. CrazyMan gets out the sandblaster or whatever and grinds 'em down so they match. It feels weird but he was right, it didn't hurt.

Dentist: (Victoriously) There!
Me: Happy now?
Dentist: I am! I can finally get a good night's sleep ...

He was right. My new even-steven fangs are going to change everything.