My wisdom comes to me in small bite-sized bits. The building of my knowledge base is similar to building an igloo mansion one ice cube at a time.
Lesson #1: Not only is it a bad idea to get jalapeno juice in your eye, it is even worse when your eye gets stuck shut from the fake eyelash glue you wore for the previous evening's Halloween party. Just go ahead and set aside 20 minutes of your life because you're not going to accomplish much during that time, unless being hovered over the sink and loudly whimpering counts for anything.
Lesson #2: All this time, I've been trying to meet guys the old fashioned way - parties and the Internet. Neither have really panned out for me here in Colorado. Now I realize, I should take a more old fashioned damsel-in-distress kind of approach.
On Saturday, I was bucked off a horse, flew threw the air and landed at the bottom of a steep hill. Within seconds, two hunky mountain bike riders were at my side, telling me about how adrenaline affects one's body. "Just stay still," said Hunk #1, "Don't be in a rush to get up. Just take a moment to rest for a second."
Said Hunk #2: "He's right. Just enjoy the scenery."
Since I could barely breathe and had them both hovering over me, I decided to do just that. Before long, five more versions of the same guy came along and I thought about never getting up.
Lesson #3: Never take your long-sleeved black top off - no matter how hot it is - to publicly expose your decidedly un-sexy bright green sports bra to the world. Your famous last words, "Nobody will see me anyway. We're just going for a quick ride. I mean, it must be 80 degrees!"
This action will only tempt fate and result in a likely scenario that involves being bucked off a horse and then tended to by a final total of SEVEN foxy boys on mountain bikes. Oh, and let's not forget the FIVE other total strangers that came to the rescue with their pick-ups and SUVs to ferry your half-naked bruised ass back to the barn because your horse was long gone.
Yup. I feel smarter already.