Monday, October 20, 2008

Some Down & Dirty Lessons From the Weekend

My wisdom comes to me in small bite-sized bits. The building of my knowledge base is similar to building an igloo mansion one ice cube at a time.

Lesson #1: Not only is it a bad idea to get jalapeno juice in your eye, it is even worse when your eye gets stuck shut from the fake eyelash glue you wore for the previous evening's Halloween party. Just go ahead and set aside 20 minutes of your life because you're not going to accomplish much during that time, unless being hovered over the sink and loudly whimpering counts for anything.

Lesson #2: All this time, I've been trying to meet guys the old fashioned way - parties and the Internet. Neither have really panned out for me here in Colorado. Now I realize, I should take a more old fashioned damsel-in-distress kind of approach.

On Saturday, I was bucked off a horse, flew threw the air and landed at the bottom of a steep hill. Within seconds, two hunky mountain bike riders were at my side, telling me about how adrenaline affects one's body. "Just stay still," said Hunk #1, "Don't be in a rush to get up. Just take a moment to rest for a second."

Said Hunk #2: "He's right. Just enjoy the scenery."

Since I could barely breathe and had them both hovering over me, I decided to do just that. Before long, five more versions of the same guy came along and I thought about never getting up.

Lesson #3: Never take your long-sleeved black top off - no matter how hot it is - to publicly expose your decidedly un-sexy bright green sports bra to the world. Your famous last words, "Nobody will see me anyway. We're just going for a quick ride. I mean, it must be 80 degrees!"

This action will only tempt fate and result in a likely scenario that involves being bucked off a horse and then tended to by a final total of SEVEN foxy boys on mountain bikes. Oh, and let's not forget the FIVE other total strangers that came to the rescue with their pick-ups and SUVs to ferry your half-naked bruised ass back to the barn because your horse was long gone.

Yup. I feel smarter already.


quirkychick said...

You're scaring me!
Jalapeno juice could blind you.

But seriously, please tell me you had a helmet on with the green sports bra.

I'm happy and relieved that you are okay.

ClizBiz said...

Really? I could've gone blind? Wow. Glad I didn't know that then.

And yes, OF COURSE, I had a helmet on and it sure did right by me.

hotdrwife said...

HDH made some sort of sandwich requiring jalapenos a few months ago. And after washing his hands furiously a few times, he tried to take out his contact ... and well, apparently, didn't get all the jalapeno off. Therefore, he began flailing around the bathroom yelling, "BAD MISTAAAAAAKE, BAD MISTAAAAAAAAAAKE!". I tried not to laugh. No really. I tried ....

Mrs.X said...

I'd like to think that the horse was not trying to do you a dating favor. Can't be sure, though.

ClizBiz said...

HDW: OMG, that's hilarious! I can certainly relate. Having survived, I can tell you, it burns like a MUTHAFUCKA.

Mrs. X: Hmmmm ... I DO like this idea. My love life being assisted by the animal kingdom, like I'm some sort of klutzy Snow White. Makes about as much sense as anything.

Anonymous said...

Bucked off a horse - hum, that's a good one. Not only were they hunky but were kind enough to stop to help. They were probably impressed by the green bra and your acrobatic abilities from the cheerleading days.

Heidi's heart said...

Heather, this makes me think of all the times I've had medical emergencies and been surrounded by gorgeous firefighters and paramedics, but been at my absolute worst in terms of good looks and being able to do anything physical. Damn, I usually couldn't even tell them my name!