Thursday, April 23, 2009

Down to Zero

I've been doing horrible things to my psyche lately, waking up feeling like a big fat ZERO.

Taking stock of my life, I have very little to show for my 43 years on Earth. I've no job, no relationship, no house, no property, no pet and no children. I do have a lot of friends, four plants and some terrific memories but it's convenient to discount such treasures when one is too busy beating up oneself.

One on hand, it's nice to be free and folks often tell my how envious they are of my (apparent) care-free state. The grass is always greener, for sure, and some times you might even find there's no grass at all - that's it's just astro-turf.

See? I did it again.

I wouldn't feel so weird about my life if it weren't so starkly different than most everyone else's. Makes it hard to connect. Certainly, my peers are doing what they are supposed to be doing - fixing up the yard, raising kids, being responsible adults.

I used to joke that if I put my laptop and my digital SLR camera in my truck, it would represent my entire net worth. I've since learned that my Mac is so outdated that it has become nothing more than an iTunes holder. (And not much of that even since the disc drive is broken.)

On top of all this, I found out today that my mother is pondering a big medical procedure (but Mama Iva is FINE, don't worry), which just brings the whole "Colorado v. California" living situation back to the forefront. Honestly? I'd prefer that everyone I love in California move here instead - and bring all the moisture and incredible produce with them, leaving behind the smog, crowds and jacked-up real estate prices.

This is my dream.


fyrchk said...

I feel you. I look at my friends and think, "Am I ever going to be an adult?" Then I sigh and try to pretend that I just love, love, love my life.

Fang Bastardson said...

I have a dream too, but it involves frolicking with unicorns and rivers of chocolate.

Mrs.X said...

It's really easy to measure our life's success in tangible things: homes, spouses, cars, kids. It's a lot harder to measure it in experiences, thoughts, passions. But, I think these are the far better measure of "success" in life.

That doesn't make it easier to relate to people, though, particularly when you can't seem to find anyone like yourself. It's lonely, sometimes. I say it's time to look up some friends and get some people calories. They will take your mind off of what ails you and that is probably all that you need for a while.

Maybe that and some wine. ;)

ClizBiz said...

Fyrchk: I think adulthood is one of those things that we think describes other people. I know 80-year-olds that don't feel it applies to them and I'm sure this is my future.

Fang: What? No college girls????

Mrs. X: You've returned!!! I love how you drop in now and again with hulking gems of wisdom. I adore "people calories" and I've got plans to gorge myself in May.

Kath said...

Me too! About the whole 'move everyone I love to CO"

As for the other stuff, I call BS.

Don't compare yourself to others. Compare yourself to what makes Heather happy. Are you happy? Then great. If not, get happy.

There are good and bad sides to everything, but honestly, at least for me? You can have marriage and thanks..just not worth the hassle in my book. Look at all the adventures you've had. Could you have done them all tied down to a hubby and kids? Probably. More than likely, no.

In my eyes you are a 0....with a 1 in front of it.

You truly are amazing Heather, so please don't define yourself by comparing yourself to others.

My 2 cents, as always.


hotdrwife said...

@ Fang - do said uniorns piss glitter? That'd be even better.

@ Cliz - I wish in my life I'd done more travel; this is why I love LOVE your blog about ditching society for a while and heading where the wind blew you. You are dead on that the grass is always greener on the other side (of the septic tank, to quote Erma). There are a lot of things I wish more in my life now. I struggle with that daily. All I know is that I love exactly who you are, where you are, what you've become. I hope you count me/us as 'people calories' and anytime you need anything, give a shout. You know I love you more than a fat kid loves cake!!

hotdrwife said...

OH! And I almost forgot - my dad gave me a poster in high school that completely makes sense to me now:

Go crazy.
or become an adult.

muchas smooches

ClizBiz said...

Kath & HDW: As people calories go, ya'll are a double banana split. YUM.

vlib said...

Doll. Oh, doll. You make me so happy to be your friend. Must go count my dollars and buy a ticket to CCW. Love, love, love. Oh, and you don't have any Seattle on your horizon, do you?