I've been doing horrible things to my psyche lately, waking up feeling like a big fat ZERO.
Taking stock of my life, I have very little to show for my 43 years on Earth. I've no job, no relationship, no house, no property, no pet and no children. I do have a lot of friends, four plants and some terrific memories but it's convenient to discount such treasures when one is too busy beating up oneself.
One on hand, it's nice to be free and folks often tell my how envious they are of my (apparent) care-free state. The grass is always greener, for sure, and some times you might even find there's no grass at all - that's it's just astro-turf.
See? I did it again.
I wouldn't feel so weird about my life if it weren't so starkly different than most everyone else's. Makes it hard to connect. Certainly, my peers are doing what they are supposed to be doing - fixing up the yard, raising kids, being responsible adults.
I used to joke that if I put my laptop and my digital SLR camera in my truck, it would represent my entire net worth. I've since learned that my Mac is so outdated that it has become nothing more than an iTunes holder. (And not much of that even since the disc drive is broken.)
On top of all this, I found out today that my mother is pondering a big medical procedure (but Mama Iva is FINE, don't worry), which just brings the whole "Colorado v. California" living situation back to the forefront. Honestly? I'd prefer that everyone I love in California move here instead - and bring all the moisture and incredible produce with them, leaving behind the smog, crowds and jacked-up real estate prices.
This is my dream.