Now Taking Applications for Dating Fluffer

Were I to suddenly become flush with cash, I would immediately outsource all the icky tasks in my life: house cleaning, laundry, taxes and especially, dating.

Last year, when Kath retrieved me from the airport after SXSW, we concocted the idea of a Dating Fluffer - someone who knew you well enough to date on your behalf so you could spend your time doing something really worthwhile, like practicing guitar, bathing or enjoying whatever Netflix brought you.

Of course, I love my life but I'd also like to share it with someone. I have no special requirements, it's all negotiable. But, it'd be extra nice if he could make me laugh and appreciate music as I do. Unfortunately, at this late stage of the game, it is slim pickens. Everyone is Married or Divorced, I got that. (Which is a BIG improvement on Everyone is Gay or Unaware They Are Gay, which what I left behind in San Francisco.) Suddenly, it feels like my life was one long game of musical chairs when, in fact, I thought it was a dance. Evidently, I was supposed to sit down - somewhere, anywhere - a long time ago.

The few dates I have experienced since I moved to Colorado have not gone well. There was the fellow who fell asleep on me at the drive-in ... at 9 p.m. (I was forced to watch 'Evan Almighty' with a snoring soundtrack.)

There was the fellow who had recently dumped his wife of 25 years and decided it was time to trade in. He couldn't wait for me to meet his mother and move into the new house he had purchased. All this on the first (and last) date. Evidently, he was under the impression that one woman could simply be replaced by another - no problem.

Of course, there was the guy who was perfectly charming until half-way through the evening. Then, his eyes got all weird and laser beam-y and he began saying things like, "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?" and "You do know that Jesus is The Way, DON'T YOU????"

Jesus Evan Christ Almighty, I could not get out of there fast enough.

So, it's been over a year and I suppose I should give it another shot. My friend, Laura, just moved here from Chicago and she's convinced me I need to try eHarmony. Taking the opposing view, Miss Bliss says, "Girl, you're crazy! You don't need that shit! They'll reject you if you're not Christian!"

Then, Linda chimes in from her married post in Conneticut: "I looked into this, the secret word is 'spiritual' so try that." Linda also likes to cruise Craigslist for available men in Denver and send me the links with guiding insight such as, "This one sounds sweet but crazy. Your call." I swear, I have not asked her to do this.

I don't know what to do but I wish I could hire someone to go out there and fish around for me. Believe it or not, I've experienced this before and it worked out great.

'Twas many years ago, that I stated to my dear friend, Lisa, that the time had come for me to, well, come. We were at a work party (we were waitresses in a pizza joint) when I issued the following warning: "If I don't have sex soon, Lisa, furniture is going to get broken and I cannot be held responsible."

"Okay, just stay here," she said, all-knowingly. "When you are like this, you make bad choices so let me pick for you. Now STAY PUT!"

I did what I was told and fidgeted in my chair while Lisa cruised around. It seemed like an eternity but she eventually back with a fellow in tow. "Heather, this is Bob. Bob, this is Heather."

And that, more or less, was that. Bob and I were together for over two years. (It only ended because I had to go on my walkabout which took me out of the U.S. for a year.) Bob was a wonderful guy and I may not have met him on my own as he is quite shy. Lisa knew better.

Gins said to me one day, "I think your picker is broken" which sums it up nicely. The men I have had relationships with have been wonderful, loving souls but it's those colossal fuck-ups in between that have worn me down. After about 825 emphatic disappointments, I have become cynical and have my dating responses down pat:

"Wow, your ex-wife does sound evil. Sounds like it was definitely all her fault."

"Weird to think that the whole Internet thing happened while you were in jail the past 10 years. That must be a trip."

"I see, so you used to be gay until you went to Christian Camp. Wow, the power of the Lord, eh?"

Anyone up for this job? I don't have much money but I can deliver a batch of homemade ice cream in any flavor you desire. I highly recommend the Chocolate Mint Chip.