Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Now Taking Applications for Dating Fluffer

Were I to suddenly become flush with cash, I would immediately outsource all the icky tasks in my life: house cleaning, laundry, taxes and especially, dating.

Last year, when Kath retrieved me from the airport after SXSW, we concocted the idea of a Dating Fluffer - someone who knew you well enough to date on your behalf so you could spend your time doing something really worthwhile, like practicing guitar, bathing or enjoying whatever Netflix brought you.

Of course, I love my life but I'd also like to share it with someone. I have no special requirements, it's all negotiable. But, it'd be extra nice if he could make me laugh and appreciate music as I do. Unfortunately, at this late stage of the game, it is slim pickens. Everyone is Married or Divorced, I got that. (Which is a BIG improvement on Everyone is Gay or Unaware They Are Gay, which what I left behind in San Francisco.) Suddenly, it feels like my life was one long game of musical chairs when, in fact, I thought it was a dance. Evidently, I was supposed to sit down - somewhere, anywhere - a long time ago.

The few dates I have experienced since I moved to Colorado have not gone well. There was the fellow who fell asleep on me at the drive-in ... at 9 p.m. (I was forced to watch 'Evan Almighty' with a snoring soundtrack.)

There was the fellow who had recently dumped his wife of 25 years and decided it was time to trade in. He couldn't wait for me to meet his mother and move into the new house he had purchased. All this on the first (and last) date. Evidently, he was under the impression that one woman could simply be replaced by another - no problem.

Of course, there was the guy who was perfectly charming until half-way through the evening. Then, his eyes got all weird and laser beam-y and he began saying things like, "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?" and "You do know that Jesus is The Way, DON'T YOU????"

Jesus Evan Christ Almighty, I could not get out of there fast enough.

So, it's been over a year and I suppose I should give it another shot. My friend, Laura, just moved here from Chicago and she's convinced me I need to try eHarmony. Taking the opposing view, Miss Bliss says, "Girl, you're crazy! You don't need that shit! They'll reject you if you're not Christian!"

Then, Linda chimes in from her married post in Conneticut: "I looked into this, the secret word is 'spiritual' so try that." Linda also likes to cruise Craigslist for available men in Denver and send me the links with guiding insight such as, "This one sounds sweet but crazy. Your call." I swear, I have not asked her to do this.

I don't know what to do but I wish I could hire someone to go out there and fish around for me. Believe it or not, I've experienced this before and it worked out great.

'Twas many years ago, that I stated to my dear friend, Lisa, that the time had come for me to, well, come. We were at a work party (we were waitresses in a pizza joint) when I issued the following warning: "If I don't have sex soon, Lisa, furniture is going to get broken and I cannot be held responsible."

"Okay, just stay here," she said, all-knowingly. "When you are like this, you make bad choices so let me pick for you. Now STAY PUT!"

I did what I was told and fidgeted in my chair while Lisa cruised around. It seemed like an eternity but she eventually back with a fellow in tow. "Heather, this is Bob. Bob, this is Heather."

And that, more or less, was that. Bob and I were together for over two years. (It only ended because I had to go on my walkabout which took me out of the U.S. for a year.) Bob was a wonderful guy and I may not have met him on my own as he is quite shy. Lisa knew better.

Gins said to me one day, "I think your picker is broken" which sums it up nicely. The men I have had relationships with have been wonderful, loving souls but it's those colossal fuck-ups in between that have worn me down. After about 825 emphatic disappointments, I have become cynical and have my dating responses down pat:

"Wow, your ex-wife does sound evil. Sounds like it was definitely all her fault."

"Weird to think that the whole Internet thing happened while you were in jail the past 10 years. That must be a trip."

"I see, so you used to be gay until you went to Christian Camp. Wow, the power of the Lord, eh?"

Anyone up for this job? I don't have much money but I can deliver a batch of homemade ice cream in any flavor you desire. I highly recommend the Chocolate Mint Chip.


Dark Damian said...

I like ice cream.

But I'm far too straight to be your dating fluffer. I will, however, dry-hump your leg like a cocker (heh) spaniel the next time I come to Denvah. Pinky promise.

ClizBiz said...

Hmmmm, a dry hump from a married guy who lives in a another state. Well, I suppose it's a start.

Mrs.X said...

If I had been drinking something when I read the title of your post, I would have spit out all over my keyboard.

I once called our fluffy cat "Fluffer" and received a shocked look from my other half who asked if I knew just what a fluffer was. Apparently, all of my worldly knowledge didn't include that one.

I'm afraid I can't be of much help since I don't know that many single men anymore and the one I do know in Denver is crazy with a capital KC (and still like a virgin to boot).

However, I can recommend match.com. I met the man on there in 2000 and we've been driving each other crazy ever since. (Insert lovey-dovey sound here).

Maria said...

I still think you overlooked a gem when you passed up the gold prospector

ClizBiz said...

Mrs. X: God, that's hilarious! I'm thrilled I almost caused you to spit up - Awwww!

Yes, I tried Match.com and ended up getting a partial refund. Maybe I'm too old? Dunno. I've had some new photos taken so maybe that will help. Glad to hear that a Mr. X is around to keep you informed on all things Fluffy.

ClizBiz said...

Maria - Holy cow! I forgot about him! It also reminds me how I attract the fringe dwellers with big dreams. Maybe I'm describing myself ... ?

Anonymous said...

wasn't there a heart in san francisco? and a rodeo guy, or someone else besides the gold prospector? so many men, so little time. What's this about fringe dwellers with big dreams? I heard they were hot. :)

ClizBiz said...

Anon: Whoa, I forgot that you guys actually read this stuff ...

Yes, there is a Heart in San Francisco but we have already been down that road several times - both too stubborn I guess. Anyway, if I could avoid moving AGAIN for the prospect of love, I'd like to avoid it.

Yay, Fringe Dwellers! They are hot.

Mrs.X said...

What's even worse is that my mother persists in calling the fluffy cat Fluffer - AND I HAVE TOLD HER WHAT IT MEANS. This last time, I was so exasperated that I asked if she remembered what it meant and she said, "no" like a petulant 5-year old. Fine, I won't enlighten you again!

When I did match.com (back in MY day) there were very few people who had pics up so we did the old fashioned let me know what you are going to be wearing. Luckily he didn't lie.

If they're having a free sign up thing, go for it! Otherwise, you could do speed-dating and give us hi-larious reports of the same.

Anonymous said...

I personally liked the christmas tree guy, and I still think his lesbian assistant just never passed on your number... And I'm sure we didn't look THAT crazy slowing cirling the safeway parking lot with our fresh evergreen in tow arguing over wether to go back and give him you digits.

Dating is difficult for highly unique women like us. I know its not the same from your friends, but I think you are a dynamite catch, Twinkles.

OXOX, Muffin

Anonymous said...

Would e-harmony be considered a "computer based fluffer"? You know, I always said "When I find a man, I'll marry him". Well I thought I did, married him, but he turned out to be a three year old. I'm telling you Girlfriend, you do your part and when those doors are meant to open, they will open, one right after the other. Such as my 17 year quest for the career I always wanted - it has come full circle. I start July 7 with the city.


ClizBiz said...

Mrs. X: Okay, that story about your mom is hilarious. It just proves that selective hearing isn't just for teenagers anymore.

Muffin: Xmas Tree Guy was cute but he never called.

Fo: That's terrific news! Glad to hear the career is on the upswing but it sounds like you've got one too many children to take care of - three is a lot, especially when one of them is so tall.

hotdrwife said...

You know, I had a friend who filled out the eharmony profile and after all the pages and pages of putting down her wants and needs - they told her, essentially, she was waaaaaaaay too picky. So much for the something for everyone, crap.

I am still keeping my eyes peeled for an interesting ranch kinda guy. That's what you need. A mountain man who has a ranch and a butt load of acres for you to ride horses on and do the dirty in God's country. I'd look for a surgeon for you, but jesus, why would I subject you to THAT!?


Kath said...

I tried Match.com and eHarmony back in the FL days. Tooo many weirdos that either moved way too fast, way too slow,or lied.

Honestly, have more more interesting (and honest!) people thru my blog, thru politics, thru a certain technology-based store, and thru friends.

I would suggest immersing yourself in the Boulder Tech bubble and see what happens...can't hurt...might even help.

ClizBiz said...

HDW: Yes, I've heard of similar stories but even if I do get rejected, it might be a good idea to clarify what I am looking for.

Kath: Agreed and that last point you made has occurred to me before. Maybe a move to Boulder? It would be nice to be with a guy who understood my wacky tech life.

Bitty said...

You like ranches? You like strong, hot, make you drool men?
Head over to www.thepioneerwoman.com, and check out her hare-brained, crazy, hilarious, "The Ranchelor" idea.
Also she has great recipes.

trillwing said...

I have a friend who has joined a personalized dating service, where the consultant interviews all participants in the program. The consultant then arranges lunch, dinner, coffee--whatever people are interested in--on their behalf, even instructing the restaurant to split the check between the parties. She likes this approach, but finds she has to be proactive, as in "When I said 'no polo shirts,' I meant also to include sweater vests."

She paid, I think, $1000 or so for 12 months, with a date each month. She can even put the service on hold when she's traveling or is having a bad skin month. :)

There's probably something like this in Denver. . . You might check it out.

ClizBiz said...

Bitty: I love Ree and I hadn't heard about her latest experiment. Cousin T sure is cute but looks like I have to stand in line behind 400 other women ... not sure if I can stand those odds.

Trillwing: Hmmmm, not sure if I have an extra $1K to put toward this but I'll give it some thought. I agree with your friend - polo shirts are a major turn-off. If the collar is up, I have to fight the urge to kick his ass.

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