Friday, January 18, 2008

Too Much of Not Enough

Yesterday was horrible. I should have known it was coming as I was deliriously happy the night prior. (The Rodents had our monthly comedy improv show at the Avenue Theater and we kicked ass, if I do say so myself.)

Nevertheless, the morning after brought a downpour of stress and angst - both professional and personal. My brain was tense, twisted and wrought with a thousand details and demands. My soul felt black and blue all over from persistent bottom-of-the well loneliness. Several times, I just had to go and lie down, shut my eyes, enforce denial, shed some tears, and just feel it.

Perhaps it is the requisite mid-life crisis that that is trying to break its way through. There is the throbbing mantra of, "Is this really how I am going to spend my life?" and answering, "No. No, it couldn't possibly be." (To my credit, I did stay up all night earlier this week drawing up plans for my Dream, which I will detail in this space when I've completed it.)

I know myself well enough to know how sloooooooowly I sort-of-maybe mature, sometimes, but I'm now old enough to realize how little time I have left on Earth and there is a panic rising within me to create something positive and lasting. Chop, chop.

To alleviate my sense of Loserdom, I try to practice gratitude. Yesterday was a stretch but I came up with one thing. At 10 p.m. last night, I showed up for my volunteer shift at the National Western Stock Show. (I am part of the stage crew for the Wild West Show. I get to hold a long rope with other folks to create a 'chute' for the trick riders to aim for when they stand on their heads or whatever while riding horses bareback at breakneck speeds. They're NUTS and they're my heroes.)

So, I'm standing off to the side, just trying to blend into the wall and drink my caffeine. "Um, excuse me, ma'am," said a soft male voice behind me "Excuse me, please." There is a light sniffing right at my ass and I turn around to see this about three inches from me:

I nearly jumped straight out of my shoes, flattened myself against the wall and clutched my heart. I'm just not around giant, pointy animals that much, what can I say? (Keep in mind that the cowboy on the back is about 6'5", 300 lbs.)

Perched atop the Longhorn steer, the cowboy sighed with great satisfaction and then deadpanned: "I never, EVER get tired of doing that to people."

That was the best thing that happened to me yesterday - I needed a laugh.


vlib said...

i do so love your life. thanks for sharing it.

McSchmoinkles said...

Good laugh. "They"say if you laugh more during the day you take, like, 8 years off your life. (Little kids laugh like 100 + times a day).

I remember you said you were going to take the land in ND and use it for solor energy generation. I am most excited to hear of that adventure.

Um, I think everyone has the "mid-life" feeling.....including me.

Hang in there McFeather.

ClizBiz said...

I love that my two Macromedia buddies jumped in here to give support! I think you are right, McSmoinkles, about Everyone kinda catching the mid-life blues. I think it's the point when we realize that all we'd imagined in our youth never really happened.

Then again, a bunch of other stuff - that we'd NEVER imagined - did and it was cool.

As for the ND stuff, I think you are referring to wind energy. I found out you need at at least 4-5,000 acres to get started and we've only got 600. Oh, well, next project ...

Anonymous said...

That definitely would've gotten me going. Forget the need for caffeine!

Anonymous said...

You own 600 ACRES of ND? That just put you waaaaay up on my Fargo Friday friends list. :)

Kath said...

Oh honey!

If you only knew how many of us have your footprints all over our hearts and souls.

Speaking for myself, I have to tell you how much of a positive impact you have made on my life. You are so bold and fearless and so many times when I feel like fading into the background (cause it is so damn fucking easy to do once you get the hang of it!) I think ' what would Heather do'...and the answer is always ' well Heather wouldn't settle for mediocrity and neither should you.

You are absolutely awesome. Please don't forget that!

Btw, you will probably live to 110 so technically you can't have mid-life blues until you are 55. So there!

hotdrwife said...

I'd probably have wet myself turning around and seeing that behind me. Forget fearless Ranch Girl. I was meant to be in the City, just sayin' ...

And the offer for dinner/wine at the HD Casa still stands. You didn't miss out on much, though. ANYTIME. Just call and say you are coming over. (or don't call, just appear, I'd love that too!)


Anonymous said...

Twinkles, Don't underestimate how much people admire you and envy the things you have done. I have always looked to you as my unlimate bad-ass role model. You (& Simone) will be getting something from me in the mail soon. I love you endlessley!!! Muffin

ClizBiz said...

Minnesota Mom: Yes, I'm loving Fargo Fridays. So glad our blog paths have crossed.

Kath: I'm completely humbled by your assessment of me. Funny how we never see ourselves as others do. You have such a gift for saying (typing?) the right thing.

HDW: I'm sorry, I still can't get over you riding a horse to get donuts. You're such a bad ass.

Muffin: You're the swellest and I'm excited to get something in the mail other than my Esquire renewal bill.

Flea's Thoughts said...

((((((((( hugs )))))))))

Evaluation can be tough and gratitude is something that we all should do (some days easier than others to come up with something)!!!

hehe on the steer.....that was pretty funny :)

ClizBiz said...

Flea - HUGS right back atcha, sister! Glad you liked the steer story.