I May Be Peer-Orphaned But The Tingly Nipple Cream Helps

All I know is, I left for HDH's Sex Toy party on Saturday around 4 p.m. and I didn't arrive home until the following day at 2 p.m. I am only just now emerging out of three-day weekend fog and coming to grips with reality.

As for my fave sex toy of choice, it was something that resembled a throbbing silver bullet. It had five speeds and I'm pretty sure we had a connection. I didn't want to give it up although I did manage to 'accidentally' sit on it a few times. Sadly, my inner accountant would not let me make such a purchase - this is exactly the kind of frivolous expenditure that keeps me in 'tenant' status. Still, such items make perfect sense now that 51% of American women today are living without a spouse. Mercy! That's a lot of batteries.

{Also, I gotta report here and now that HDH's fish tank is indeed MIGHTY. Though a table full of rotating cocks and electronic tongues served as the centerpiece, the ten-foot-wide seascape certainly held its own. If any ya'll get the chance to see it, make sure you get the behind-the scenes tour as well. Impressive. I'm not surprised their neighbors think they are growing pot.}

After the toy party, I went to the Ogden to see My Morning Jacket. There were bunch of us there celebrating Carley's birthday. I had a good time but felt incredibly old. Don't get me wrong, concerts are great but I have been to so many (I used to write about them for a living) throughout my lifetime that there are very few musical acts I get excited about anymore. Unless there is some Dylan/Waits/Young/Cohen/Springsteen thing happening, I'd rather skip it. Like I said, Me=Ancient. Still, I did manage to stay up until 4:00 a.m. babbling incoherently and dancing around in my socks - that should count for something, right?

In the haze of the concert, it dawned on me that I am at that weird middle point in life that presents certain social challenges. I recently joined a ski group (am heading to Steamboat Springs with them this weekend) that is made up mostly of folks in their late 40s up to early 60s. Nice folks and certainly very active but culturally, I have already run in to some problems. For example, I recently made a reference to "SouthPark" and they didn't know what I was talking about. We're in Colorado, fer Chrissakes. Ugh.

On the other end of the scale, my Denver friends are primarily in their late 20s or early 30s. The same thing that makes this easier - I have been there - makes it a challenge - I have ALREADY been there. Only lately have I started to notice that I may not live forever and, therefore, should make a retirement plan that does not involve eating cat food. My mindset has shifted; the things that used to excited me now lead to boredom. Good lord, have I become practical??? This may be some kind of skin-shedding thing - the death of a former self, perhaps. The first ring of this mortal coil. For the most part, I'm against it but at the same time, it feels awfully natural and God knows I'm way too lazy to fight it. I just wish AARP would quit sending me shit. My token response when people say, "You don't look that old!" is "Immaturity: It's good for the skin." I stand by this philosophy but ... um, I'd rather sit.

Truth is, most folks my age (41) have a very different lifestyle from me. They are mostly married and busy raising young children. Or maybe they are just married and only do things with other couples. Perhaps they are hiding at malls, churches and AA meetings? Support groups, divorce courts and playdates? Either way, I can't seem to find them.

On an unrelated note - has anyone else noticed that James Brown's probate lawyer is Strom Thurmond, Jr.? Does this seem weird to anyone or just me? Just asking.