Monday, September 04, 2006
(Trying to) Look Ahead
It's not easy going backwards. These days, I try very hard to stay in the moment. It's much too maddening to wring my hands over the past or fret about the future. And while I'm at it, who are these people who say they have no regrets? They must have major memory lapses, is all I can figure.
My recent visit to California brought all this to the forefront and left me rather blue-ish. Snug in my Denver apartment, it's quite easy to focus on the road ahead - anything is possible and, with the exception of my first eight days, there are no ghosts following me around, reminding me of wrong choices and youthful ignorance.
My mother's house in Long Beach, always a sanctuary in my life, made me ache with loneliness this time around. On my last visit in May, I was so goddamn happy I didn't even use the stairs, I just floated around in a rose-colored fog. My re-appearance so soon made me miss that gooey mess of a woman that was me, much more so than the cardboard cut-out man behind all that bliss. Not-so-deep down, I fear that when I told my sister-in-law, "If this isn't The One, then there isn't One" that I was right.