It's not easy going backwards. These days, I try very hard to stay in the moment. It's much too maddening to wring my hands over the past or fret about the future. And while I'm at it, who are these people who say they have no regrets? They must have major memory lapses, is all I can figure.
My recent visit to California brought all this to the forefront and left me rather blue-ish. Snug in my Denver apartment, it's quite easy to focus on the road ahead - anything is possible and, with the exception of my first eight days, there are no ghosts following me around, reminding me of wrong choices and youthful ignorance.
My mother's house in Long Beach, always a sanctuary in my life, made me ache with loneliness this time around. On my last visit in May, I was so goddamn happy I didn't even use the stairs, I just floated around in a rose-colored fog. My re-appearance so soon made me miss that gooey mess of a woman that was me, much more so than the cardboard cut-out man behind all that bliss. Not-so-deep down, I fear that when I told my sister-in-law, "If this isn't The One, then there isn't One" that I was right.
4 comments:
That was then, this is now.
You've made so many strides and discoveries about yourself and others that wouldn't have been made if you hadn't gone thru what you went thru your first 8 days in Denver.
Having been married and then single again, was just telling a friend tonite how the last 5 years have been the HAPPIEST of my life...my 5 post-divorce years.
And today, which would have been my 25th wedding anniversary, held so much happiness thanks to what I had done to move forward rather than what I had left behind.
Hang in there, buddy! The best really is yet to come.
"Not-so-deep down, I fear that when I told my sister-in-law, 'If this isn't The One, then there isn't One' that I was right."
It's only natural to think such thoughts, H, but don't let them get the best of you. Besides, from a mathematical point of view, it's highly improbable that there's only one person. In all likelihood, there are thousands in the States alone. That someone as charismatic as you won't find even one of these 1000 or so blokes and charm him into submission is as unlikely (though less desirable) as Bush defenestrating himself from the Oval Office.
Besides, from a practical point of view, do you really want a hairy, stinking, farting, opinionated man lounging around the house?
You have both submitted strong arguments here. I am reminded of what Katherine Hepburn once observed: "Are men and women supposed to live together? Really? Perhaps it would be best if they just lived next door and remained good friends."
I think she was on to something there.
Hey hey hey!
There's no team in "I!"
Anyhow, monogamy goes against human nature. It's a social construct foisted on us - it just ain't natural (my own happy marriage notwithstanding, of course).
If I can continue to be premature and irresponsible at this delicate period of your life, you always know where to find me, and that I'll pick up.
Sorry I've been lax in reading. I'm on vacation!
~fang
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