Friday, August 26, 2005

It Was Inevitable

Ah . . . my first drunken blog entry. In decades to come, fumbled social efforts such as these will be looked back upon as quaint. Tonight, it's simply a heartfelt effort at explaining myself. The final result will not reveal the many instances when I went back to re-read and re-type, fixing all the fumbling misspellings, the careless grammatical applications, the punctuational omissions. I am one of those rare birds stradling the state lines of history - those who recall writing college senior essays on typewriters and yet, spent their thirties checking email obsessively.

Thus far, the evening has been spent tossing back fruity cocktails with a high quaility friend, Valerie Liberty. No, she does not make her living in burlesque but rather, in software. She is the originator of one of my favorite quotes: "Y'know, 98"% of things in life you have to do anyway. Why not do them with glee?" This is a perspective I grab for when I feel myself becoming surly - in other words, often. She has volunteered to make my birthday cake for my 40th birthday in December. I am so touched by this gesture and it's only August.

I would be truly lost without my friends. I love my family but I am something of an enigma to them. I think they see me as angry, frustrated and alarmingly independent. When it comes to my boyfriends and lovers, I am equally mysterious. My friends, however, are my saving grace. They have to love me no matter what. - it says so in the contract. When it comes to the Compadre position, I am extremely choosy and my standards, impossibly high. And yet, I somehow find them, or rather, they find me.

Along those lines, I got a phone call today that lifted my spirits to no end. It came from my pal, Tony, who is blazing literary trails in New York. Though we are nearly 15 years apart, he is a soul mate in the truest sense and he is one of the greatest gems in my crown. Neither of us are easy to understand, which is precisely why we have such a base understanding.

Why can't I have this luck with romance? Perhaps I am not one of those who experiences this type of love in life. It's not available to everyone. Those people who claim that "there's someone for everyone" are the same folks who believe the government knows what they are doing and all worthwhile philosphies can be summed up in a Hallmark card, Bible verse or Dr. Phil episode. Life is not black and white; for some of us, it's mostly grey and messy as all hell.

Marinated and maudlin as I may be, I still believe there's uncharted territory in these parts for me. I recall, after describing the 10th or 15th dating disaster to a close friend, he replied sarcastically, "Well, clearly, God has something very special planned for you." Is that how it works? The widest trail of disaster gets you the biggest pay off?

Then again, maybe all I need are my friends, some animals and keeping the family (however confused they may be) nearby. Love, after all, comes in many forms, not all of them red and heart-shaped. Sometimes, they are simply shaped . . . like 40th birthday cakes.

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